It was a balmy Texas June night and there I sat at my faithful computer idily clicking through websites. As surfing went, it was a wipeout: I was in the water and the sharks would soon start circling. Sigh... Millions of pages of information at my fingertips and I was bored. Bored. I finally decided I needed a spark, a push to send me on my way. And it was then that I somehow found myself staring at a message board.

A lightbulb flickered above my head... and I found myself in the dark... darned generic 60 watt bulb. After a quick trip to the supply cabinet, I was soon seated back at the computer clicking through the collective mind of the message board in morbid fascination.

Because it was truly morbidly fascinating.

For those who don't know, message boards are devices started in good faith which almost always mutate into something scary. Take something fairly inncouous, like Mozart's 41st Symphony and create a message board for people to talk about it. Six months later, go back and see just how much Mozart has been discussed, and try to figure out why the newest message header reads "Denver Broncos Rule!"

With this in mind, every trip to a message board is a potential adventure. And since I was bored, and the weather was suitably balmy, (giving the air that nice safari feel) I decided I was in the mood for a little adventure.

First of all... We must all bow down and pay omage as some obscure internet savant has cracked America's problem and openly published it in a message: television is making us stupider.

Egad! Does the government know about this? Someone better get on the Bat Phone and call the president. Time's wasting! Our brains are dwindling away into nothingness with each passing second! Hurry, I'm getting dumber... I can feel it...ARG!.. Too late!... Duh...Hee-hee! Now what am I doing? Is it time for pudding? Cats go meow. Hmm... I wonder what happens when I press these keys... dfgfjkd;gbrt...

Whew! That was close, fortunately I was within arms length of some classical music and was able to snap myself out of that temporary stupor.

Our web author dramatically dubbed his message: "Contributing to the 'dumbing down' of America," yet offered no facts to back his statement... unless of course, the mere fact he wrote the message is proof of 'dumbing down.' Afterall, as even Forrest Gump knows: stupid is as stupid does.

I feel sorry for television, I really do, afterall, who wouldn't pity a univeral scapegoat? People blame TV for everything from violence and low test scores, to the decline of morals and society in general. If not TV, then movies, and if not movies, video games, and if not video games, the internet. Sheesh.

Doesn't anybody take responsibility for stupidity anymore?

For instance, we've all heard stories of 12-year-olds in chat rooms who give every detail of their lives to complete strangers. The stranger, naturally, then turns out to be a perverted psychopath who's wanted for murder in 23 states and six countries. The parents of these kids then sit around scratching their heads and telling Oprah, "I can't believe our poor little Mary Jane was cyber-stalked. How could this happen?" They then predicably blame the internet. The internet! (gasp!) Well how EVIL of it! How dare it reach out and twist Mary Janes arm, forcing her to reveal her life story to psychopathic killer!

Gimme a break.

If they really want to know how it happened they should look at themselves. Even a 5-year-old is taught not to take candy from strangers.

Given this information, maybe we are getting dumber as a society, but can we really blame television and the internet for all the clueless kids out there like Mary Jane? The internet is an inanimate entity which only gives as much as it is given. It's not alive. It can't think for itself and be discriminate. It doesn't know what Mary Jane is doing, afterall, it's not the Lost in Space robot who helpfully shouts, "Danger! Will Robinson! Danger!" whenever a threat appears.

I'll admit, when it comes to television there's no accounting for taste, and many sitcoms (in particular) are very low brow... This is where the magic of demographics comes into play and where advertisers jostle ravenously for product positioning. For instance, you don't see commercials for a sparkling new Lexus air during WWF wrestling. Why? Because demographic studies reveal the average wrestling fan wouldn't be interested in a luxury car. If you want to see a commercial for a Lexus, or even a Jaguar, tune into the History Channel, which demographically appeals to the more educated, and hence, (statistically speaking) wealthier portion of the population. This is the way television works, it seeks out a demographic and attempts to appeal to it.

Sigh... You know, I've really had a bad day. I spilled a large glass of milk on the carpet (and on some unfortunate papers I'd left there) and later burned my finger nicely on a stove. I've accepted the fact that I'm clumsy... I wish I could blame someone for it... if I could just point a finger and say, "This is why I'm clumsy! It's all this thing's fault!" But hey, maybe I still can... perhaps television is secretly responsible for my problem.

So, to Mr. Contributing to the Dumbing Down of America, always remember to think before you post, and wherever you may be, I hope they're keeping you away from power outlets and anything made of conductive metal.

As for myself, I once more turned back to my study of the message board, scrutinizing each post until I finally tumbled out of my chair in a fit of uncontrollable laughter.